thanks forever:ything

sunday nite. work in the morning.
6am - get up and fuck the world.

where did saturday go? i spent half of today thinking it was saturday, planning what i'd do on what i thought would be sunday. in other words, i wasted half my day. the other half i was running errands, cleaning house, or eating.

i did nothing this weekend.

i sat on my couch and thought about my life. 5 minutes later i fell asleep.

was watching a movie. i don't care what movie it was. something about love came up and i started thinking about what it was like to have a girlfriend. and be in a real relationship. not just a fight, have sex ,make up and repeat, relationship. sadly i had to look all the way back to my high school days. i guess i had a pretty good relationship thru my last couple years of high school. there was a lot of romance involved. i actually tried as a person to be the right kind of guy for a girl. and that's all i really wanted to accomplish for myself. after that relationship, i lost track of my goals... i lost control and got sidetracked.

these feelings started coming back to me after my last break up. i was in an abusive relationship, not physically abusive, i was just involved with a rather hostile individual. after breaking up with her, i've been pushing myself to stay away from "that". clearly i was just in that relationship for physical stimulation. although there was no true satisfaction, and that weirded me out... lately i've been realizing that i can't just hold on to any girl and expect that to cure my need for comfort. this goes far beyond physical expression. there has to be a feeling for that person, something that tells me i'm holding onto this girl because *insert sappy crap here*.........

and now i find myself liking a girl i barely know. and wanting to experience a GOOD relationship for once. wanting to treat someone right for my sake and theirs. being happy for once, and feeling like a decent person again. doing things right, taking things slow. being careful, thoughtful and so on................

because of my past, and expectations of how my future as a person will turn out, brought on by family and other influences in my childhood, i have always been afraid of how i will turn out. i guess i've been living most of my life trying to prove those voices wrong.

i've been rambling for the past 1/2 hour... all i really wanted to say was that i can't stop thinking about some girl i don't even know...

and so i'll leave it at that........