thanks forever:ything

it's 3am... i really enjoy my new job working evenings. even if it is a lousy grunt job that i'm far too overqualified to be wasting my time at. it's a nice break from 9-5'ing it and having people expecting so much professionalism out of me.

i was skimming through another blog i used to keep on my old website, i guess it's about a year or so old... and i had written about how i wasn't much of a talker on the phone. i said "without body language, talk is just words". at the time, i really had a firm grip on understanding myself and why i did the things i did. i was really together. nowadays, if someone asked me why i don't like talking on the phone, i'd probably just say "i dunno...".

i think my brain has turned to mush. although, i think it's starting to solidify again, slowly but surely. it's all this love obsession crap i'm going through. for the past 6 months i haven't been able to shake it out of my mind. and it's poisoning me.

i've always felt that i'm a better person when i'm miserable.
ALWAYS.
i wonder if that's a bad thing?

i've done things to purposely make myself miserable before. that's kinda sick. but i really enjoy the time i have with myself and my misery. i wake up in those mornings, have my coffee and jazz, and i'm king of the fucking universe. i'll go out and do so many nice things for people without even thinking of their gratuity. fuck, i've even sent flowers to people just to say "yay flowers! why the fuck not!". i'll get mugged at a bus stop, and chase the punk down screaming "yo buddy you forgot my billfold!". misery is like viagra to me. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

o...k... i'm gonna go sit on the windowsill and smoke for an hour or so, then go to bed.