thanks forever:ything

another girl issue:

this one's not so depressing... there's this really cute girl that i like. and she's a wicked person on top of the good looks!

aiite, that's my issue!

so there's this girl who i've been in love with for the past 4 years. i've never been able to shake her out of my mind. i've destroyed relationships because the very thought of her makes me compare everyone to her, and nobody comes close... anyways, i'll spare the history lesson and get to my dilemma.

we see each other maybe once or twice a year. exchange i love you's and everlasting hugs. and then we go back to our own lives apart from each other. a few days ago she found me on friendster. we've exchanged a couple messages so far. last time i talked to her was in october.

i really want to tell her how i feel. how i miss her. and how she inspires my everyday life... but i don't feel it's appropriate to tell her. we have our own seperate lives and we really don't know each other anymore. although, whenever we run into each other, the earth seems to stop spinning. everything stops. and it's just her and i.

i'm afraid that if i don't tell her now, i might never get the chance to tell her... i should make one thing clear: i don't expect anything to become of us by my telling her how i feel. i want to tell her because if i don't, i'll have regret to live with for the rest of my life. but i just can't bring myself to tell her.

fuck... i can't even post this in my journal...
ok ...more simple...
i love this girl.
i know we will never be together. that's fine.
but i feel the need to pour my heart out to her.
but it doesn't feel appropriate.
appropriate...
since when do i do anything appropriate...

what the fuck...
i'm so confused....

sorry if you read this.

a couple more pix from my weekend extravaganza.... lol, what a gong show... still recovering.




now those are some yellow fingers! go smoking!!

woke up pretty lonely this morning.
here's a song i found

buddahead - "broken"

Lately I've been staring out to space,
Forgetting time and how to spend my days.
It's the shape of things you left behind.
You disturbed my mind and now I'm less inclined
To find away out.
I find it's a waste of time.

I'm spinning around a big mistake,
I'm pointing the blame at your name
I'm broken
You have made me broken.

Lately I've been feeling no regrets.
Forgetting how you got so in my head.
Everything that I thought was real has faded and I feel
There is no way to heal.
There is no way out.
I find it's a waste of time.

I'm spinning around a big mistake,
I'm pointing the blame at your name
I'm broken
You have made me broken.

Wake up time and your not mine.
Everything you leave behind, every pillow talk, was fake.
My mistake.
I gotta keep my back straight.
Wake up time and I'm not fine.
Everything you left behind,
All the pillow talk was fake.
My mistake.
I gotta keep my back straight.

I'm spinning around a big mistake,
I'm pointing the blame at your name
I'm broken
You have made me broken.

Tell me, "Am I broken?"

2:30pm: walk into the coffee shop up the street. the HOT one is working today (there's 3 cuties, and 1 HOT girl). as i strolled in she greets me with a HI; in a chipper--"where have you been all my life" manner. i almost started laughing out loud right on the spot. i managed to hold it in, did the eye-contact/subtle 1/2 smile thing followed by a fresh HI pointed in her direction. at this point i'm wondering why i'm finding this so funny. she knows i'm going to ask for a tall light roast, doddle around for a second, then look at my horoscope taped on the cashier's counter. and i know i'm going to do that too. and i know that she knows.

i ask for a tall light roast. doddle around, glance at my horoscope (reads: do lots of reading today, brain can handle it!), and dig up a fresh bill out of my wallet for the coffee. at this point, i still feel as though i'm about to burst out laughing. she hands me my change, i smile and head over to the cream & sugar counter. no, i didn't leave her a tip. perverts and tryhards leave tips on a $1.75 coffee (i leave a tip after i get my 1st refill). the laughter is somewhat contained by this point. squinting my eyes and a sharp grin on my face as i glance out the window at the sun trying to peak through the stormy clouds. 2 sugars, no cream. stir. lid. grab a newspaper, smile and wander off to the patio.

what was the point of this story?
who fucking cares. that was the bulk of my day!

haha. SUCKAZ!

damn man... i need a girlfriend or something. or at least a girl to think about. my mind is mush.

oooooooh more pictures!

long weekend. went to vancouver island to party it up. MUCH NEEDED. i'm still a little sketchy and retarded right now, so i don't have much to say... but here's a few pics for now.

me/fence/venita! the only way to have a threesome at a party.


me & mr. "i made $320 at work today" aka miguel the island bartender.


me, my pink balloon (that i got off some random girl on the streets for telling her i love her), and some other random girl whose name doesn't really matter!

i had 1 cup of coffee today.
11 cigarettes.
and 8 meals.

my head is aching.
i left a pack of smokes in buddy's car last night. and didn't realize it until i walked in the door and he drove off. it was 3:30am and not a cigarette for miles. well, about a mile, but i wasn't prepared to go for a walk. my nights usually consist of coming home from work, having a couple drinks and a bite to eat, play on the computer, have a smoke or 20, and go to bed. i can't sleep without a bedtime smoke to tuck me in at night. so i went apeshit. had to keep my mind/mouth/hands occupied. and then i found licorice in the cupboard! ohhhhh licorice you saved my life. YOU CAN ACTUALLY LIGHT IT AND SMOKE IT! it's not that great, but hey... sunday night wut!

back to this 1 cup of coffee outrage... i woke up at noon, felt SOOOO tired... didn't make coffee. played on the computer, did some laundry, went back to bed. woke up at 2pm. didn't make coffee. did some more laundry, went back to bed. woke up at 3pm. didn't make coffee. had a shower, did the 2 hour bathroom ordeal, went back to bed for 10 minutes, left for work. didn't stop at the coffee shop. got to work...COFFEE WAS MADE! had a cup of coffee. and oh what a sweet cup of coffee that was.

still, it was an agonizing day. the aching has yet to hault.

a good day should look like this:
wake up, 9am. pot of coffee on the go, run a shot of espresso through. pound the espresso, pound the coffee. go to the washroom and read the paper. have a smoke. put another pot of coffee on. play on computer, do laundry. eat. pound the coffee. smoke. smoke. smoke. shower, 2 hour bathroom ordeal. 1 more shot of espresso. leave for work. stop at coffeeshop #1 for 20 minutes, americano --smoke smoke smoke. get on the bus. get off the bus. starbucks around the corner. tall light roast, 2 sugars no cream. drink/smoke/walk to work. get to work. say hi, drink coffee. smoke. smoke smoke... etc.

hot dog! single life fucking sucks! haha...

4:15am... why am i still up? got home from work at 2:45am... not really tired. not really awake either. sitting around listening to sappy mandy moore songs.

my life is pretty bad. it has been since february. it's kind of hard for me to express how bad i'm doing though. i have no close friends that i open up to. i'm also afraid of scaring people off with my misery. honestly, i've fooled everyone including myself into believing that i'm happy with my current situation.

i want my old job back.
i want my own place again.
i want a relationship again.
i want to be able to pay my bills and still have money to spoil myself.
i want time to myself.
i want to be a grown up again.

i'll be 23 in 4 months, less a day.
my hands are sore.

kimi wo omou toki

the year was 2000. and i had an obsession with japanese pop.

+ kakaekirenai ashita ga aru nara
omou mama kyou wo arukeba ii
sou kitto umaku wa ienai kedo
Yes, I love you
uso janai sa +

yea i guess it was a retarded thing to do.
but you know what, a lot of people listen to latin jazz and all sorts of world music where they don't know what the artist is saying. sometimes it's not really about what they're saying. it's about how they say it. and that's what i got out of a lot of the j-pop i listened to. there's some really inspiring tunes out there with really soothing instrumental chords. i'm a big fan of the acoustic guitar and the piano. and japanese artists do some amazing stuff with instruments.

yea i'm a little poser. eat me.
you should see me go karaoke.
i'm like one of those japanese guys that tries to sing classic american songs.
but the exact opposite.
haha...
hey, if they can do it, so can i.

what's with the internet tonight? i just got home from work, it's only 2am... nobody in my world is online. this is a first... and quite frankly, it sucks. whatthefuck am i supposed to do all night?


seriously... i can't go to bed. my best friend's usually on, i guess she's actually sleeping tonight seeing as she didn't bother to last night because she had to get up early today. her and i went out for her birthday in the morning, she got a tattoo and i danced around in the waiting area. they were playing really messed up music. it was like fantasy/rock/80's/ice cream truck music... lol... i immediately linked the type of music to those fantasy novels that a lot of [mostly strange] people are obsessed with. the books about dragons and wizards and all that other shit that doesn't have anything to do with the world we live in. i guess the kind of people who read those books, are the kind of people who aren't too happy with what they see in the world infront of them. that's a sad thought. i could never think this world sucks. sometimes it gets kinda messed up, and sometimes you don't have a good day, but fuck: we truly do live in a wonderful world. all we have to do is open our eyes and enjoy it. obviously if you're living in a dream world with sorcerer's and time traveler's, you're not gonna be too keen on stepping back into the real world, where epic battles and unsung heroism don't happen every time you open your curtains.

i hate generalizing people.
actually, no. i don't.
i love it.

anyways... i got carried away with that whole fantasy shit and lost my train of thought...
so whatever, i'm going to find some coffee.