thanks forever:ything

i don't know what's going on with me...

i think all i desire is the closeness of another person. i can't help feeling empty, 'round the clock. i have everything i need, except someone to share anything with... and that's all i want.

i'm getting a bed this weekend. queen size.
i've been sleeping on my couch for the past 2 months.
when i moved out on my own, i decided to leave my squeaky old bed behind. it saved me work, and an extra trip moving. i brought my old matress, but i haven't touched it. nor have i used my bedroom for anything other than storage.
things will likely change after this weekend. but sadly all i can think about is how alone and afraid i'm going to feel, being on my own in the silence of my secluded bedroom.

i guess i watch too many movies. i don't think i expect my life to be anything like what i see in a movie. but i think the desire to feel somewhat like the set mood in a movie's scene is very real to me, and i don't think i can settle with what i have in my life until i have such an experience before my eyes........

there's supposed to be a meteor shower tonite. around 2am... i know i won't be able to see it due to the city lights... but i'm gonna go walk out to a soccer field or something nearby and see if i can't catch a glimpse... hopefully i'll keep the depressing atmosphere to a minimum.......

tuesday. my week begins.
i don't care about monday, i usually sleep right thru it. work and all. i may be running around, but my mind is still in bed hitting that damn snooze button over and over. one day i'll find the power outlet.

but today i have to be somewhat functional... laundry day for me. also garbage day, but that's just a matter of throwing a couple bags out the door on my way off to work... i get up an hour earlier today (5am instead of 6am) because i have to take my laundry to my mom's house. it's just easier if i do it on my way to work, saves me time. luckily, her place is on my way to work... i stop by her house on my way home from work, finish up whatever laundry my mom didn't have time to kindly take care of for me, and catch the last bus home. it's a tight schedule, but it works perfectly thanks to effective time management skills i've acquired over the years... i lug my clothes back to my place, put them away, and start on dinner... just had a salad tonite, wasn't all that hungry cuz i munched on a few things at my mom's place. funny how her fridge seems to be a lot fuller now that i'm not living there... go figure.... after dinner, i put on a pot of coffee and rack my brain onto a piece of paper... couldn't think of much to write today, so i started typing this journal entry... i could be reading right now, but i don't wanna get lost in a book and end up not sleeping until 2am... i'm reading jack kerouac's "on the road" right now... it's about time i read this book. i'm loving every page of it... i'm on my second cup of coffee now, i usually draw the line after 2, cuz i'm borderlining dehydration, what with all the caffeine & alcohol i consume in a day... that's pretty much all i drink, period. other than the milk in my cereal each morning... after coffee, i engage in washing the dishes... i'm usually too tired on monday to do anything, so on tuesday, my sink is full of dirty dishes. i don't mind the work, i just lack the motivation to get started... after i do the dishes, i'll probably have a quick shave, and hit the hay... i usually shave the night before i go out somewhere important, because i look so damn young right after i shave. this way i at least get a weak trace of stubble, not enough to look scraggly, but enough to piss off a girl... i don't have a date or anything tomorrow, and i doubt any girls will be touching my face, so it's ok for me to shave the night before... i'm just going to a club tomorrow nite. i know pretty much everyone that goes there, my buddy runs the place on wednesday nite, so i head down there to support him, have a few beers, and talk with friends i don't get to see too often... it's like a modern day scene out of cheers, where "everybody knows your name". i like the place because it doesn't get too crowded, since the club is still fairly new, and because i don't have to worry about barstars or hoochies ruining my nite. i can sit down, drink, and talk to people i know. no hassles... i don't usually stay there too long, usually an hour or 2 if they open up early enough, but my bus schedule doesn't permit me to be out past 12:30... which is ok, because i shouldn't be getting too drunk on a wednesday nite, and i shouldn't be blowing too much money on booze... mind you, i can spend $100 on booze easily in 1 hour...

anyways.... i'm gonna go do my dishes, and so on...................... hopefully get to bed before midnight... doubtful....

sunday nite. work in the morning.
6am - get up and fuck the world.

where did saturday go? i spent half of today thinking it was saturday, planning what i'd do on what i thought would be sunday. in other words, i wasted half my day. the other half i was running errands, cleaning house, or eating.

i did nothing this weekend.

i sat on my couch and thought about my life. 5 minutes later i fell asleep.

was watching a movie. i don't care what movie it was. something about love came up and i started thinking about what it was like to have a girlfriend. and be in a real relationship. not just a fight, have sex ,make up and repeat, relationship. sadly i had to look all the way back to my high school days. i guess i had a pretty good relationship thru my last couple years of high school. there was a lot of romance involved. i actually tried as a person to be the right kind of guy for a girl. and that's all i really wanted to accomplish for myself. after that relationship, i lost track of my goals... i lost control and got sidetracked.

these feelings started coming back to me after my last break up. i was in an abusive relationship, not physically abusive, i was just involved with a rather hostile individual. after breaking up with her, i've been pushing myself to stay away from "that". clearly i was just in that relationship for physical stimulation. although there was no true satisfaction, and that weirded me out... lately i've been realizing that i can't just hold on to any girl and expect that to cure my need for comfort. this goes far beyond physical expression. there has to be a feeling for that person, something that tells me i'm holding onto this girl because *insert sappy crap here*.........

and now i find myself liking a girl i barely know. and wanting to experience a GOOD relationship for once. wanting to treat someone right for my sake and theirs. being happy for once, and feeling like a decent person again. doing things right, taking things slow. being careful, thoughtful and so on................

because of my past, and expectations of how my future as a person will turn out, brought on by family and other influences in my childhood, i have always been afraid of how i will turn out. i guess i've been living most of my life trying to prove those voices wrong.

i've been rambling for the past 1/2 hour... all i really wanted to say was that i can't stop thinking about some girl i don't even know...

and so i'll leave it at that........

morning. well, noon'ish... SUNDAY.

woke up. drank some kool-aid. found myself eating a bowl of cereal with milk gone bad. even though the expiry date claimed i still had 4 days left to drink it.

...greedy capitalists.

it's raining today. in this part of the world at least. where am i again?
i have to go grocery shopping. i always go on sunday night. so my bread is fresh for my lunches most of t the week. i use exactly 1 loaf of bread for a weeks worth of sandwiches. 2 sandwiches a day, 5 days a week. 20 slices of bread. apparently there's 20 slices of bread in the bag that i buy. found that out by chance... plus sunday is virtually the only day i have entirely free. i thought that was the case for everyone, but it doesn't show in the grocery stores.

...deserted.

i usually call my best friend today, we go out and have coffee, lunch, dinner, drinks, i help her with her homework, she keeps me company. she drives, i don't. we used to go out. it was short and painful, but we're best friends now. we were good friends before we went out. i'm glad we went out, because there's no sexual tension between us now. that always gets in the way of my friendships with girls.

...i need a girlfriend.

well it's getting that time when i should have a shower, shave, and prepare myself for the outside world. head to the bookstore, drink coffee and read for a bit, maybe purchase a magazine. then off to the grocery store. hopefully it will stop raining sometime soon. it's quite a trek to the stores, and umbrella's only shelter your head.

meh...

it's just after midnite, someday in november. i guess this will be my first formal entry. i'm still sceptical about this whole online journal fad, but i'm sure it'll pass... on my second cup of coffee for tonite. i've been swapping between coffee & beer since 9:30am. sadly i started with the beer... dehydration is setting in, but i can't bring myself to drink water.

i think i have a problem. but alcoholism is the least of it.

i'm 20 years old, i live on my own somewhere outside of vancouver, canada. i'm a guy. usually... i work for some guys and i do "stuff". whatever pays the bills...

recently i "met" a girl. actually it's been a few weeks since we "met". i say "met" because this was an online encounter. you could say i have a crush on this girl, though we've rarely spoken. i found out last week that she's feeling the same way i am. confused. there were a few things about her that lit a spark in my heart for her, and i think the same thing happened to her... we rarely speak to each other. i catch her online once or twice a week at best, we don't really talk. i send her a message, and am lucky if she replies.

let's just say i have a feeling about her, and leave it at that.
i could be wrong. but i could also be right.

i've been dragging myself down over this girl since our encounter... sometimes i wish things would just happen right away. but i think this is one of those occurances that are gonna take quite some time... which i have no problem with, it just requires patience that i can't bring myself to have. but i do the best i can, no matter how much it hurts. if only things were as easy as 1-2-3... i keep wishing that i could just close my eyes one night and wake up with my arms around her. but i'll spare you my fantasy life...

eh?